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“两不相欠”,才是最好的状态

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发表于 2014/12/29 14:48:47| 收藏

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     导读:轻松和平等才是父母和子女之间,或恋人和朋友之间长久关系的最好状态。我和你在一起,因为我快乐,我为你做这些事,因为我愿意我高兴我爱你我想做。你感激我对你的付出,而我,感激你愿意让我付出。回眸浅笑,万事安好。

 

  身边发生了一个很俗套的故事,出身于大城市良好家庭的女生毕业后放弃高薪工作,追随男友来到普通的小县城,找了份普通的小工作,两年后男生却娶了县城里另一个认识不久的姑娘。于是舆论一边倒地指责男生忘恩负义,抛弃了为他放弃好工作一同过苦日子的女友。后来偶然遇见这个男生聊起来,他说,他真不是个坏男人,当初带着女友一起回家乡,也是真心感动女友的付出和牺牲,发誓要一辈子对她好的。后来之所以实在过不下去了,是因为这两年里,每当两人有什么小矛盾或是生活上的不顺,女生总是说“我为你离开了父母,放弃了好工作,你怎么能这样对我”。无论他怎么做,总觉得对不住女友,总觉得内疚欠她的,这样的生活实在是太压抑了,最后只得分手换得轻松。

  这让我想起曾经看过一个心理学家给各类情感的能量等级做了一个排名,从最负面、伤身的情感到最正面、滋润的情感。出乎我的意料,排的最低的不是愤怒、悲伤、恐惧,而是羞愧和内疚。那位心理学家说“无意识的内疚感能量级几近死亡,对人的生命力有着毁灭性的打击,无数人因羞愧和内疚而自残、自杀。”想起东野圭吾的小说《信》中,哥哥为救弟弟犯下罪行进了监狱,弟弟几十年处在内疚和亏欠哥哥的心情中,几乎毁了两代人的幸福。

  高中的时候,常会为了那种为爱做出巨大牺牲的青春爱情小说感动。如若真的搬到生活中,这样的故事要想成为佳话,我想有个前提条件就是,你情我愿,两不相欠。付出牺牲的那一方,如若不能打心眼里心甘情愿不求回报,总觉得我为你牺牲了这么多你可得记着,那无异于大街上陌生人塞给你一袋苹果然后说“我给你了这么好的苹果你怎么能不给我钱”这样的情感绑架。而接受牺牲的那一方,也该把感激和爱记在心底,然后正常过日子,如若不能给自己放一条生路,老背着“我可千万要对得起他这么大的牺牲”的精神枷锁,那么天平的失衡也就不远了。

  常把“我这么做都是为了你”挂在嘴边的父母往往有着长期压抑的孩子,常把“我这么做都是为了你”挂在嘴边的妻子往往有着长期压抑的丈夫。无论是给别人造成内疚,还是被别人带来内疚,实际上都是在给一段关系加上沉重的负担。轻松和平等才是父母和子女之间,或恋人和朋友之间长久关系的最好状态。我和你在一起,因为我快乐,我为你做这些事,因为我愿意我高兴我爱你我想做。你感激我对你的付出,而我,感激你愿意让我付出。回眸浅笑,万事安好。

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本帖最后编辑时间发表于 2014/12/29 14:48:47